This home schooling path is not an easy one for me. Frankly, motherhood is not easy for me. Some days I face it with determination and strength from the Lord. Other days, like today, I really struggle to believe the truth about myself and my children. Today, each poor choice that has been made by my children and by me screams, "You are a failure!" My emotions seem to get in the way of any rational thought and I find myself behaving like a toddler. Oh God, why did you make me so sensitive and over emotional!?!?! Why do I have to feel things so deeply? Or maybe it's just pre-menopausal hormones? yikes!
There have been lots of tears today and lots of crying out to God. Grieving another hard school day and wondering how to deal with some ugliness cropping up my in children's hearts. I don't have any answers concerning our future home schooling. I don't have any great parenting wisdom. The only thing I have is a God who loves me despite my sin and I'm needing to cling to that today... even though I'm tempted not to.
So, I share this all on here just in case there is someone else out there who can relate. To give a clearer picture of life over here and to be honest about life not being perfect. However, I'm not blind to the fact that there are others who face greater challenges and trials. I just want to be sure that I don't fool you in to thinking I've got it all together, because I don't. I certainly don't snap photos of the undesirable moments unless I can make a joke about it later.
And really what I need is to preach the truth to myself:
"In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust in your strength." Isaiah 30:15
"Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death." Romans 8:1-2
"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28
"What, then, shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us?" Romans 8:31
"Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." Phillipians 1:6
I am no longer a slave to my sin. He has set me free! He is renewing me and changing me as I repent for my sin. It is He who gives me strength. My identity is not in being a mother or teacher of my children. My identity is in Christ. Amen!
** Oh and a last minute realization... my kids are sinners too. Why am I so surprised when they sin?
Lord, give me strength to love and offer forgiveness to the boys. Help me to train them and reach their hearts. Help me to teach them to follow Your ways. Help me to model humility, repentance and forgiveness. Thank you that they rest in your mighty hands! Thank you that You are always with us.
Jill, mankind is innately evil. You know this. When we love God and do the right thing, it is our purposeful choice and not our natural reaction. We can only choose to overcome our evil nature. And while there is a dark side to our souls, we are also pulled into His light. We yearn to be in His love, in His grace, in His presence. Although humans are evil by nature, our souls desire Him. We search for Our Maker.
ReplyDeleteYour boys are wondrously-made! And they will learn to control their inherent natures quickly enough. It'll just seem like longer since they each have two other brothers to harass and torture. And let's face it, that's the best fun any kid can have. :)
You're doing great, sweetie. I know you're a good mother because you worry about whether you are one. If you didn't stress and question every move you made with them, then that would mean you didn't care.
Bad moms are those who don't care.
Hugs to you.