Die to Self!

Dying to self... It is the craziest thing by the world's standards, but I'm so encouraged and challenged by it this morning after reading an article on motherhood from HERE by Rachel Jankovic. If I think back to my previous post about our challenges in school and the things that annoy me; if I think back to my frustrations and my idol of "the perfect school day", aren't they ALL opportunities for me to die to myself and cling to the cross? What comes after the dying???... NEW LIFE!!

Here are my favorite parts below. I can't resist cutting and pasting. If you are a mom, homeschooling or not, this is for you! May it encourage you as it has encouraged me.

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But a Christian should have a different paradigm. We should run to to the cross. To death. So lay down your hopes. Lay down your future. Lay down your petty annoyances. Lay down your desire to be recognized. Lay down your fussiness at your children. Lay down your perfectly clean house. Lay down your grievances about the life you are living. Lay down the imaginary life you could have had by yourself. Let it go.

Death to yourself is not the end of the story. We, of all people, ought to know what follows death. The Christian life is resurrection life, life that cannot be contained by death, the kind of life that is only possible when you have been to the cross and back.

The Bible is clear about the value of children. Jesus loved them, and we are commanded to love them, to bring them up in the nurture of the Lord. We are to imitate God and take pleasure in our children.

The question here is not whether you are representing the gospel, it is how you are representing it. Have you given your life to your children resentfully? Do you tally every thing you do for them like a loan shark tallies debts? Or do you give them life the way God gave it to us—freely?

It isn’t enough to pretend. You might fool a few people. That person in line at the store might believe you when you plaster on a fake smile, but your children won’t. They know exactly where they stand with you. They know the things that you rate above them. They know everything you resent and hold against them. They know that you faked a cheerful answer to that lady, only to whisper threats or bark at them in the car.

Children know the difference between a mother who is saving face to a stranger and a mother who defends their life and their worth with her smile, her love, and her absolute loyalty.

Live the gospel in the things that no one sees. Sacrifice for your children in places that only they will know about. Put their value ahead of yours. Grow them up in the clean air of gospel living. Your testimony to the gospel in the little details of your life is more valuable to them than you can imagine. If you tell them the gospel, but live to yourself, they will never believe it. Give your life for theirs every day, joyfully. Lay down pettiness. Lay down fussiness. Lay down resentment about the dishes, about the laundry, about how no one knows how hard you work.

Stop clinging to yourself and cling to the cross. There is more joy and more life and more laughter on the other side of death than you can possibly carry alone.

Inspired

I'm beginning to realize that I am a "Jack of All Trades, Master of None." I love crafting, sewing, knitting and being artistic but I never really stick with any one thing long enough to be exceptional at it. But, I'm okay with that. :)

Recently, I've been itching to do a painting. It's kind of funny to see in writing.  I have zero painting experience. Darin doesn't even like me to paint our walls because I'm not careful enough. However, the boys keep bringing home great artwork from art class and I think, "Gosh, I want to try that too."

And then my inspiration struck... dear friends are moving to Pennsylvania to pastor a church there. The wife, Kristen, is very dear to me and as I thought of a gift to give her, I thought about how encouraging her relationship with the Lord has been to me. Immediately, Colossians 2:6-7 popped in my head.

"So then just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live in him rooted and built up in him, strengthened in the faith as you were taught and overflowing with thankfulness."

I lived for a long time with shallow roots. I wasn't studying God's word and although I believed in Him, I wasn't seeing the fruit of a close relationship with Him. My friend Kristen is the epitome of deep roots. She loves the Lord and His Spirit overflows from her. The perfect verse for what I wanted!

Quickly, I had a vision of what I wanted my painting to look like and called my artist dad to see if what I was wanting to do was even possible for a beginner like me. I decided that if the painting looked terrible, I could easily come up with a different gift. After three days of working on it, I finished my painting last night. My dad was so gracious to talk me through how to make my sketch on regular paper and then transfer it to the canvas. He came over two times to help coach me through the painting. It was super special time for me and I hope he enjoyed it as much as I did!

So, without further ado... here is my first painting. Not spectacular, but from the heart and I can't tell you how much joy it brought me to create this for my friend. I probably shouldn't quit my day job, but I'm pleased with the result. It was just what I envisioned. Notice the Bible verse is the "deep roots."

We will miss you very much Purdy Family!

Soothing Words

It has been a tough week as a mom and teacher. I'm not gonna lie. I'm tempted to wallow in the mistakes, failures and difficulties. That's just how I'm wired and have to fight against it! I could blame it on many different things and make all sorts of excuses. However, these words from my devotional remind me that I must look forward and keep my eyes fixed on Jesus. I'm SO encouraged by the Spirit leading me to these truths. I hope it encourages you too.

From Sarah Young's "Jesus Calling" devotional written as if Jesus was 

speaking to YOU and ME. (Excerpts from two different days.)

"Do not be discouraged by the difficulty of keeping your focus on Me. I know that your heart's desire is  to be aware of My presence continually. This is a lofty goal; you aim toward it but never fully achieve it in this life. Don't let feelings of failure weigh you down. Instead try to see yourself as I see you. First of all, I am delighted by your deep desire to walk closely with Me through your life." Sarah Young

"Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has gone through the heavens, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are- yet was without sin. Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need." 

Hebrews 4:14-16

"Grow strong in the Light of My Presence.  Your weakness does not repel Me. On the contrary, it attracts My Power, which is always available to flow into a yielded heart. Do not condemn yourself for your constant need of help. Instead come to Me with your gaping neediness; let the Light of My Love fill you. A yielded heart does not whine or rebel when the going gets rough. It musters the courage to thank Me even during hard times. Yielding yourself to My will is ultimately an act of trust." 

Sarah Young

"Sing and make music in your heart to the Lord, always giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ." Ephesians 5:19-20

"In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength." Isaiah 30:15

After a rough week and feeling stuck in the trap of ungratefulness and whining, how perfect that God points me back to this verse from Isaiah that I've been meditating on in 2012!!! This time, what sticks out to me is "quietness." Being a verbal processor, I am NOT quiet. I grumble and complain when things don't go the way I want. Oh how I know God would be blessed if I would submit to Him in the hard times and demonstrate my trust with a quietness that is so unlike me. Hoping and praying He teaches me how to do this. His word is so refreshing to my soul. 

Waiting

Do you ever pray and pray for something and feel tempted to be impatient with the Lord's timing? Well, I have a few things that I've been praying for for a while and it is hard to wait and know what God's plan is. I go through cycles of trusting and doubting. At times, I feel stuck and it feels hard to go on. All I can do is go back to the scriptures and trust what He tells me in His word. 

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6

"Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Phillipians 4: 4-7

This song by John Waller really speaks to me. While I am waiting for Him to answer my prayer or change my heart, I want to be hopeful. I want to serve Him. I want to worship. It's not always easy, but it gives Him glory! Amen. 


While I'm Waiting

I'm waiting, I'm waiting on You Lord
And I am hopeful, I'm waiting on You Lord
Though it is painful, but patiently I will wait

And I will move ahead bold and confident
Taking every step in obedience

While I'm waiting I will serve You
While I'm waiting I will worship
While I'm waiting I will not faint
I'll be running the race even while I wait

I'm waiting, I'm waiting on You Lord
And I am peaceful, I'm waiting on You Lord
Though it's not easy no, but faithfully I will wait
Yes, I will wait

And I will move ahead bold and confident
Taking every step in obedience
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/j/john_waller/while_im_waiting.html ]
While I'm waiting I will serve You
While I'm waiting I will worship
While I'm waiting I will not faint
I'll be running the race even while I wait

I will move ahead bold and confident
I'll be taking every step in obedience, yeah

While I'm waiting I will serve You
While I'm waiting I will worship
While I'm waiting I will not faint

And I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting on You Lord

I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting

Prayer Walk

One of our new routines this year is a daily morning prayer walk. I love it and I think the boys do too!

We head out the door by 8:20 for our walk. I know my public school friends get out the door much earlier, but this is the best we can do. :) It allows time for me to run, shower, feed them a big breakfast, have Bible time and for the boys to do their morning kitchen jobs. 

Our walk usually lasts about 10 minutes. 

It has helped with our transition to school work a bunch! If I let them get involved playing 

after breakfast, it is a struggle to pull away from their imaginary play. This way, they eat, 

clean up, brush teeth and pop on their shoes. I hustle to finish up the breakfast cleaning and 

am ready to zip out the door when they are. (Usually with a wet head and flip flops!)

It's a hustle on my part, but worth it. :)

While we are out walking, we talk about what we'll be praying about that day. 

We have a different topic for each day of the week. Then, we each take turns praying aloud. 

As you can see from the pictures... there are interruptions to our prayer times. But I keep on 

praying aloud while they skip, wiggle, or collect worms. This past couple weeks the worms were excessive so we decided to bring a jar and collect the worms to dump in our garden. Completely grossed me out and I refused to hold their wormy hands, but they loved it! 

So we prayed that the worms would help the vegetables grow. 

Truthfully, sometimes I think the prayer walk is more for me then them. It calms me and 

prepares me for our day. I am confident they are soaking it in in the midst of the wiggles. 

I love that they get morning fresh air and extra exercise.  

Didn't want to make this photo full size. :)  Our collection! gross!

And remember how they like to dress precisely how the thermometer suggests? Well, this week they were quick to pull out their winter garb but by the time we got out the door the temperature had gone up by 15 degrees. They were a little toasty!

I am sure I will have to think about ways to change this up so they don't get bored, 

but for now it's working and I like it!!

Deep

Out of the blue, this hymn is running through my head. 

We didn't sing it at church recently, so I'm not sure why I thought of it.

I think it's a little gift from the Spirit. 

Such rich words!

O the deep, deep love of Jesus, vast, unmeasured, boundless, free!

Rolling as a mighty ocean in its fullness over me!

Underneath me, all around me, is the current of Thy love

Leading onward, leading homeward to Thy glorious rest above!

O the deep, deep love of Jesus, spread His praise from shore to shore!

How He loveth, ever loveth, changeth never, nevermore!

How He watches o’er His loved ones, died to call them all His own;

How for them He intercedeth, watcheth o’er them from the throne!

O the deep, deep love of Jesus, love of every love the best!

’Tis an ocean full of blessing, ’tis a haven giving rest!

O the deep, deep love of Jesus, ’tis a heaven of heavens to me;

And it lifts me up to glory, for it lifts me up to Thee!

I AM

I have been called many names over the years, from childhood to adulthood. Some good and welcomed, many names have been crushing and crippling. It's so tempting to get stuck believing those negative things and then forget the TRUTH of how my Creator sees me. I have been created in His image. (Gen. 1:27) Confidence in who I am in Christ can change how I live! I'm needing to preach the truth to myself today. Maybe you need to hear it too?

I AM
Wonderfully Made:
"I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful, I know that full well." Psalm 139:14

Loved:
"The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save.
He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love,
he will rejoice over you with singing." Zephaniah 3:17

Chosen:
"But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation,
a people belonging to God, that you may declare the praises of him
who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light." 1 Peter 2:9

Beautiful:
"The king is enthralled by your beauty; honor him, for he is your lord." Psalm 45:11

Gifted:
"But to each one of us grace has been given as Christ apportioned it." Ephesians 4:7

Valued:
"Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don't be afraid;
you are worth more than many sparrows." Luke 12:7

Heart Surgery

I'm a verbal processor. I need to talk or write to sort through what I'm feeling.  Processing internally is NOT a strength of mine. My thoughts get all muddled up in my "to do" list and I can't keep anything straight.

Enter the summer... somehow, we have been "off" from school since the end of May and instead of slipping into easy summer routines we have cranked up the pace many notches. I start the day in God's word and I am very protective of my time reading during room time, but somehow I can't seem to quiet myself enough to have a long conversation with the Lord. Or even find a length of time. And oh, how I'm craving that! He and I talk all day long in little snippets. Sometimes out loud in the heat of the moment, "Oh Lord give me patience. Help me to love this little boy!" But it's never long enough before I'm needed by someone or I fall asleep.

We have had a delightful summer in so many ways, and yet, it has become obvious to me that we need to do a little heart surgery around here. Arguing, complaining, whining, revenge, and selfishness are some of the hot topics we're dealing with. After attending the homeschool convention in June, I was super encouraged by what I re-learned from Ted Tripp about the importance of reaching the heart of my children. It struck me how important it is to intentionally teach the boys what God says about our heart instead of waiting for a moment of correction. And so we began creating a heart notebook that we have been working on three days a week.

I don't think it's an accident that as I sit in this place of feeling unsettled this summer (not finding the time to process with God all that I'm feeling), God is using every little thing to catch my attention. I started this heart notebook with the boys to address some of THEIR ungodly attitudes. 

However, as I study God's word and prepare these lessons for them 

it has been revealed to me that I NEED SOME HEART SURGERY TOO!

 We're moving pretty slowly. It took one whole morning to decorate 

and set up our notebooks. (Which they loved doing!)

 I love these boys so much and I want them to walk away from this house knowing 

the love of Jesus and knowing who they are as a child of God. In order to know that, 

they need to understand the brokenness that comes with being a sinner and the huge amount of grace given to them in Jesus' death on the cross. And the hope that comes with the resurrection!

 Most, if not all, of MY ungodly attitudes and behaviors (being quick to anger, love of self, pride, envy - to name a few) are rooted in me not fully living like I believe the gospel. Not fully living like I understand my identity in Christ. I know I won't live perfectly this side of heaven, but am I quick to repent or do I become nonchalant about the "little" sins?

 I don't thinks it's an accident that I am attending a summer women's Bible Study on "Our Identity in Christ and the Inheritance We Receive." It's all sinking in to me how much God loves me that He knows just what I need when I need it. Can you believe that? This omnipotent, almighty God cares about the little details of my life!?!?! He knows how much I need to repent of my sinful heart and so he uses my lessons with the boys to teach me that. He knows that I need to re-learn who I am as his daughter and so He presents me with an opportunity to learn about that with great women this summer. Truly humbling and amazing.

 As for our heart study, we're still in the beginning stages. Each day we read one verse from the Bible about the heart. We discuss it, the big boys write out the verse for handwriting practice (Ethan sometimes just fill in the blanks of some words), and then we illustrate it. 

Aaron has been mostly content to cut and paste and scribble. 

Sometime next week, we're going to move on to discussing 12 ungodly attitudes of the heart 

and the correlating Godly attitude. I'm hoping and praying that this heart notebook is reaching my wiggly little boys and giving them an understanding for how much God is concerned 

with their hearts. I know He is teaching me.  :) 

Ironic

"I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do - this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.

So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God's law; but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God - through Jesus Christ our Lord!" Romans 7:15-25

Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, becuase through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death." Romans 8:1-2



Okay, so I said that I want to live and breathe God's word and I have found a passage that clearly captures a couple hours of my morning. While this is an ongoing struggle for me as a christian, it was particularly vivid this morning. I experienced such a tangible struggle to listen to the spirit or listen to the flesh as I interacted with the people I love the most. And what did I do??? Exactly what I didn't want to do! I listened to my flesh. yuck! You know that expression, "What's down in the well, comes up in the bucket" ?  Well, it is really obvious (to me and my family) that my well needs a thorough cleaning.

As I stepped back from the situation the scripture above popped into my head. Oh how I'm thankful for the reminder in Romans 8:1-2. I am free!!! He has set me free. I am forgiven. I am no longer a slave to my sin. Lord, help me to live this.  His mercies are new every morning and I am certain it is morning somewhere right now. Amen!

Whisper in my ear...

God has been whispering to me a lot lately. Do you believe me? Do you really trust me? What are you afraid of? Are you living my Word? Precious sinner, I love you so much that I sent my Son to die for you. You are cherished and loved. Go and love others.  As I study His word and read scripture, I'm challenged by what it really means to be a follower of Jesus. Am I quick to repent? Am I quick to put others needs before my own comfort? Not in a "do-good" attempt, but in a "I love you so much Jesus, that I want to follow you" way?

I'm learning a lot about how much I'm a sinner. Yet, God is bringing me from a place of condemnation to a place of joy and hope. He wants to change me and I'm beginning to slowly trust that He can change me. I haven't seen evidence yet, but I'm praying that as I slow down enough to listen to Him it will begin to happen.

I recently read the book Kisses from Katie by Katie Davis and I have to say it knocked my socks off! If you've never heard about it, it is the story of a nineteen year old girl who felt called to move to Uganda to care for the fatherless. Out of obedience to the Lord, she left behind a life of great comfort and settled in an area that is full of poverty, sickness and children who are all alone. She started a ministry called Amazima and adopted 14 children along the way! Oh my! (If you want to learn more, read her book found at the link above.)

The story about Katie's life in Uganda is clearly written from a place of humility and obedience to Jesus. It is a story of selfless love and sacrifice and gives glory to God alone. My first reaction was, "Okay Lord, how can I turn away? How can I ignore that there are children who are hurting and in need of Your love? You have blessed me with so much Lord, what do you want me to do?" And I  still feel that way with lots of unnecessary fear mixed in.

However, what I was also really challenged by was to take God's word more seriously. To study it. To live it and breathe it. It says in James 1:22, "Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says." Even if God is only calling me right now to love my family and love my neighbors, He can help me to do it faithfully and in a way that gives Him glory.  And then quickly repent when I fail, which I will!

I have to share this passage from the book:

In our fear, even many of us who claimed to believe in Christ were failing to do what He said for the least of His people. 

Fear. It's part of human nature, but it's not something we got from God. Second Timothy 1:7 says: "For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind." When I imagine God creating each one of us and planting a purpose deep in our hearts, I never imagine that purpose being mediocrity. While the Bible doesn't tell every person on earth specifically what his or her life's calling will be, it does include a lot of general direction. 

     "You are to find me in the least of these." Yes.

     "You are to leave your earthly possessions and come follow me." Yes.

     "You are to love and serve the Lord God with all your heart and love your neighbor as yourself." Yes.

     "You are to go and make disciples of all nations." Yes.

     "You are to show mercy." Yes.

     "You are to live a live of mediocrity and abundance, holding on tight to your comfortable lifestyle, lest you lose it." No. 

I certainly don't believe everyone should sell all of their belongings and pack a suitcase and move to Africa. I don't think people all over the planet should drop everything to go somewhere far from everything familiar and be missionaries. In fact, I believe anyone can be a missionary right where they are. 

Every day, we have a choice. We can stay nestled in our safe comfortable places, as I did when the rat was in my room. We can let fear of something that really is small compared to the greatness of God cripple us. Or we can take a risk, do something to help someone else, make a person smile, change someone's world. Life to the fullest exists. It's available. All we have to do is decide to get up and embrace it. ~ Katie Davis

"For Christ's love compels us, because we are convinced that one died for all, and therefore all died. And he died for all, that those who live should no longer live for themselves but for him who died for them and was raised again." 2 Corinthians 5:14-15

Good Words

I struggle with expectations and desires. My expectations are either too high and I'm disappointed or I try to squelch them and I'm bitter. Definitely not a place I want to live as a child of God! It mostly rears its head on birthdays, Mother's Day, vacations or other special occasions. I've been mulling this around for a while. How do you get to the place of relying fully on God to fill you up rather then seeking out affirmation from others?

Reading these good words on the Practical Theology for Women blog today really encouraged me. Here are some of my favorite parts cut and pasted below.

I've thought lately how my husband's love is like a fine glass of wine. It's an enjoyable blessing when I am fully sated after a meal of steak. But if I'm starving, wine can't provide the sustenance I need. Mother's Day this year didn't meet my deepest need for affirmation, but I was able to receive from my family what they imperfectly gave me. That is a sweet gift of God's grace. He supernaturally meets me in my deepest longings, and then, and only then, can I fully enjoy the secondary blessings from my family.

That's the essence right there - to be able to receive from our family and friends what they imperfectly give us knowing it won't meet our deepest needs for affirmation, but we know the One who will.   

Psalm 73
1 Truly God is good to Israel, to those who are pure in heart. 2 But as for me, my feet had almost stumbled,  my steps had nearly slipped. 

... 21 When my soul was embittered,  when I was pricked in heart, 22 I was brutish and ignorant; I was like a beast toward you. 23 Nevertheless, I am continually with you;     you hold my right hand. 24 You guide me with your counsel,  and afterward you will receive me to glory. 

25  Whom have I in heaven but you?  And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you. 26  My flesh and my heart may fail,  but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. ... 

28 But for me it is good to be near God; I have made the Lord God my refuge, that I may tell of all your works.

How can I forget?

Do you ever forget how God has been faithful to you in the past? I'm not sure why or how I can forget this, but I do.

The summer after my freshmen year of college I worked as a camp counselor at Camp Willow Run. It was an amazing experience! While there, I had a bad fall water skiing. Turns out I cracked three vertebrae in my lower back (L1, L2 and L3) After various x-rays and orthopedic surgeon visits, I was told that it was likely there was weakness already there and the water skiing fall caused the cracks. I was bedridden for several weeks and in excruciating pain. When I returned to Virginia Tech for my sophomore year, I scheduled less classes so I could keep up with all the physical therapy I would need to do to strengthen my back. It was a trying time. I was cautioned not to exercise because of the potential risks of damaging my back further. Aside from walking to classes, I was pretty sedentary. I gained weight and was not happy about that at all. Occasionally I swam laps (which was considered safe), but was pretty insecure about being in a swim suit.

But GOD WAS FAITHFUL and HE is still faithful today. He brought me through that time and as far as I know, my back is fine. I can't even remember all the details, but I think after not being in pain for a several years I chose to be more active again. I started biking my senior year and then eventually running. I haven't had any other back issues. Praise be to God!

I can't imagine how different life would be if I couldn't be active with my three VERY active boys. Today while running as fast as I could to keep up with three biking boys, I was struck by how much I love this part of boys. What a gift that I am able to run and bike and keep up with my busy guys. My heart was full of joy as we laughed and dripped with sweat together. Praise the Lord for these moments. How can I doubt His faithfulness and provision?

"Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful." Hebrews 10:24

"Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer." Romans 12:12

"Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more then all we ask or imagine, according to his power that at work within us, to him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen." Ephesians 3:20-21

Sowing Seeds

In April, we planted a garden. I shared with you how we prepared the soil and carefully planted our seeds. The next step was to water the seeds and let the soil soak up the sunlight, all while we waited and waited to see sprouts. Every day the boys and I ran outside to check on our seeds, hoping to get a glimpse of some green poking through the earth. Hopeful that today was the day we'd get a glimpse. It was hard to be patient and we were curious what was happening beneath the soil.

Within a couple weeks, many of the seedlings had sprouted. Oh boy, were we excited! Each day we continued to take care of them, checking for weeds and adequate water. It was a slow process watching our little bright green sprouts. Now we wait for them to mature and produce a harvest. More waiting!

I was blessed on Saturday to attend our church's women's retreat at a local botanical garden. The theme was "Sowing Seeds" and it was so timely for me to learn about how the kingdom of God is like a seed. Just like the seeds we planted in the ground, the kingdom of God is mysterious and living, planted within us and produces abundantly by dying.

Here are some thoughts shared that encouraged me.

• "A seed takes time to grow. Much of the growth is unseen for a long time, yet there is still something happening below the surface." In our lives, the Holy Spirit is planted in our hearts and there is growth taking place even though we may not see it. 
• "Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." Philippians 1:6
• "... humbly accept the word planted in you, which can save you." James 1:21 
• As God is at work in us, it takes humility to wait for Him to do His work. We must repent as we try to control that growth and believe with hope that He is at work. 
• "Very truly I tell you, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds." John 12:24
• "Our part is not to run away from the pains but to walk through the briars and thorns and let Christ teach us how to turn each scratch into positive learning about the depths of God's love." Jack Miller
• "Dying opens our eyes to the newness of life."
• We can see God at work as we die to our self. 

The analogy of a seed needing to die in order to produce many seeds really struck me. Recently, my mom received a vase of beautiful sunflowers. Inevitably, these sunflowers had to die since they had been cut from their roots and would only last a short time in water. She saved one of the sunflowers and dried it out. From that one dried out sunflower came many seeds to produce more beautiful sunflowers. In the same way, as we die to our self we can rejoice that He is doing a good work in us and producing abundantly!

One of the speakers shared that as believer in Jesus (and in particular as a mom), we experience dying in three different ways. We need to die to our self due to increased time demands. We need to die to our expectations (as we experience broken dreams and broken relationships - either in our kids or in ourselves). Lastly, we need to die to our self as we wait for change (either in ourselves or in others). The result to all the dying is new life!!! "Just like Jesus' hour of dying is the hour of glory, His death brings US new life!"

As I muddle through the end of our school year, struggling with my reactions to unmet expectations I can be confident of this...it is GOD who makes all things new. He is at work, growing me and my children. He is changing me, even though I'm impatient and often can't see evidence of His work. The roots are below the surface, but they are there. I need to repent and believe. "In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength." Isaiah 30:15

"Jesus is a lover of our souls and He doesn't stop pursuing us!" Amen!

Fix

The Lord is so quick to encourage my heart! wow! The problem is not "fixed," but I am so encouraged to fix my eyes on Jesus and not my problems. Wanted to share an excerpt from my devotions this morning and some scripture the Lord led me to this morning. I hope it encourages you as it has me.

The only way to keep your balance is to fix your eyes on Me, the One who never changes. If you gaze too long at your circumstances, you will become dizzy and confused. Look to Me, refreshing yourself in My Presence, and your steps will be steady and sure. ~ Sarah Young (as if Jesus was speaking to us)

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart. Hebrews 12:1-3

Praise the LORD, O my soul; all my inmost being praise his holy name. 

Praise the LORD, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits - 

who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases, 

who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion, 

who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's. Psalm 103:1-5

The Lord is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love. 

He will not always accuse, nor will he harbor his anger forever; 

he does not treat us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities. 

For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his love for those who fear him; 

as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us. Psalm 103:8-12

Struggling

We have only 16 full days of our school year left and I confess that I am counting down the days. Lord, please help me to survive to the end! If you are new to homeschooling this is probably a post you don't want to read. I'm not sure it will inspire you, but it will share some real life struggles. And if you prefer the light and fluffy posts... you may want to stop reading now too! :)

I have to say that this has been the hardest school year yet. We have certainly had some smooth days (which of course I love!), but... oh my, there have been more difficult days then I'd like to admit. The difficulty seems to be centered on attitudes and issues of the heart. Theirs and mine! Are the boys going to choose to joyfully do their school work because that is what God has called them to do? Or, are they going to defiantly refuse to complete their work? Am I going to exercise self-control and gently and determinedly train my children to obey or am I going to shout and yell at them when I run out of patience? The right choice is obvious but it is a day to day struggle.

Are my expectations too high? Is it unrealistic to want eager learners delighting in the work I've prepared? If you homeschool and have eager learners, I confess that I'm jealous. Will you share your secret? Lord, am I being ungrateful for the lot which I have been dealt? How can I faithfully face the challenge of daily resistance to school work? Lord, will you make our schooling path clear? Are you calling us to make changes and explore other schooling options for next year? I confess that I'm so confused. 

As a believer in Jesus, I know that this is how I should react to challenging circumstances:

"Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your request to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus." Phillipians 4:4-7

"Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer." Romans 12:12

I confess that today I am not rejoicing and not feeling joyful. I am struggling to offer grace and forgiveness. I am very weak and pitiful and full of self-condemnation. And yet, I am not alone -- even though I feel that way. God loves me and forgives me. He wants me to lean on him.

"Cast all your anxiety on Him, because He cares for you." 1Peter 5:7 

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28

Lord, help me to believe that You will give me strength. Lord, please change my bad attitude. Help me to love and serve my family in a way that gives You glory. 

I saw this somewhere recently and I'm not sure how to give credit. It's not my own. 

"Out of our weakness, He gives us more strength then we can fathom." 

Oh how I need His strength!!!

Patience and Anger

Foolishly, I kept busy until the wee hours of the morning setting up for school, planning meals, clipping coupons, searching for on sale items and making my grocery list. When I finally went to sleep, it was interrupted multiple times by a needy boy with a congested nose. The alarm went off at 6am so I could get to the grocery store and back before breakfast. It was a necessary trip due to our very empty pantry and refrigerator. When I returned at 7:30am with many bags full of groceries, the boys were eager to have their bellies filled. Then the race to get the groceries put away, kitchen tidied and the bell rung for the start of our school day at 9am (30 minutes late!). I hadn't even done anything important yet and I was already short tempered and tired. As I look back, it was all a recipe for a very bumpy morning (which it was).

Ironically, the boys and I began a study on love this morning. During breakfast, I read excerpts aloud from a book intended for adults. With a little explanation and simplification, it was so applicable to the environment in our home. (The boys were surprisingly engaged as we brainstormed real scenarios.) Today we talked about love being patient. I've never really thought about the connection between patience and anger, but I'm realizing that it is quite significant. When I am quick to become angry with the boys or my husband, I'm not modeling a patient love. Instead, I'm likely letting my emotions take over in response to my own selfishness and impatience. A patient love instead, "brings an internal calm during an external storm. [Patience] fosters peace and quiet."(Kendrick)

So, as our school day began I couldn't stop thinking about these passages:

"He who is slow to anger has great understanding, but he who is quick-tempered exalts folly." Proverbs 14:29

"A hot-tempered man stirs up strife, but the slow to anger calms a dispute." Proverbs 15:18

"See that no one repays another with evil for evil, but always seek after that which is good for one another." 1 Thessalonians 5:15

Today has been full of opportunities to recognize/acknowledge ways we are not loving with a patient love. Whether it is has been settling a dispute between fighting boys "returning evil or evil," or  even a Momma reacting with angry words to continued disobedience, it has been obvious that we need the Lord's help and I'm so thankful that He won't give up on me/us.

"...being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." Phillipians 1:6

So, more sleep is definitely in need. However, even with a full nights sleep I cannot in my own strength love my family the way God intended. I need Him and His strength to resist my sinful nature. And I need to cling to the promises that God is at work, making me new despite my many failings and set-backs. So thankful His mercies are new every morning.

Hallelujah!

The tomb is empty! He is risen! What a Savior!

Where am I?

The last two and a half weeks have zipped by remarkably fast. I realized today how much I miss keeping up with this blog, but there really hasn't been a spare moment. We've been busy helping my mom and dad get settled in their new home. We've set up rooms, unpacked boxes, moved boxes, broken down boxes, scrubbed floors, fixed beds, organized closets, set up the kitchen, begun to tackle the overgrown bushes and much more. It has been a sweet time of enjoying family and working hard.

My younger brother and his family have been staying with us for two weeks and we are blessed by our time with them. You can imagine though that there has been chaos at times having 4 adults and 5 kids in a house! But, I'd rather have the chaos then not get to see them at all. Last weekend, we had the entire family together. My older brother and his family came to celebrate my parents new location. It was so good to have all the grandkids together and running around outside. We were quite a spectacle in the front yard of my parents new house -- might have scared the neighbors with all our ruckus! :) The weekend went by too quickly. I have lots of pictures that I'm looking forward to getting uploaded and sorted out.

Mostly I've missed blogging because it helps me to reflect and process. There has been much too little reflection over the past couple weeks and I'm disappointed to say that my time in the Word has been much less then I desire. However, it should be no surprise that God is good and faithful! Each time I've opened the Bible, the words that I need to hear are on the page in front of me. How refreshing is that? Today, my devotional book led me to my theme verse of the year. Isaiah 30:15 "In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength." My strength comes from spending quiet time alone with Him and trusting in his sufficiency!

Love this quote: "Your weakness is not a deterrent to being filled with My spirit; on the contrary, it provides an opportunity for My power to shine forth more brightly. Don't waste energy wondering if you are adequate for today's journey. My spirit within you is the basis for your confidence." Sarah Young

2 Corinthians 4:7 "But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us."

Stronger

I am a huge sucker for good lyrics. Honestly, I have to be careful what I listen to because music sticks with me all day long. When I listen to uplifting lyrics and then sing those songs all day, it changes my attitude.

Lately, this song is constantly spinning through my head. I highlighted my favorite parts in bold.

Stronger by Mandisa

Hey, heard you were up all night

Thinking about how your world ain't right

And you wonder if things will ever get better

And you're asking why is it always raining on you

When all you want is just a little good news

Instead of standing there stuck out in the weather

Oh, don't hang your head

It's gonna end

God's right there

Even if it's hard to see Him

I promise you that He still cares

When the waves are taking you under

Hold on just a little bit longer

He knows that this is gonna make you stronger, stronger

The pain ain't gonna last forever

And things can only get better

Believe me

This is gonna make you stronger

Gonna make you stronger, stronger, stronger

Believe me, this is gonna make you ...

Try and do the best you can

Hold on and let Him hold your hand

And go on and fall into the arms of Jesus

Oh, lift your head it's gonna end

God's right there

Even when you just can't feel Him

I promise you that He still cares

'Cause if He started this work in your life

He will be faithful to complete it

If only you believe it

He knows how much it hurts

And I'm sure that He's gonna help you get through this

When the waves are taking you under

Hold on just a little bit longer

He knows that this is gonna make you stronger, stronger

The pain ain't gonna last forever

In time it's gonna get better

Believe me

This is gonna make you stronger

I have some special people in my life who are facing some difficult challenges and this song encourages me. I hope (if they're reading) it will encourage them too.  He is faithful. He's with us. He cares for us and as we trust Him through hard times, He will make us stronger. 

"Cast all your anxiety on him for he cares for you." 1 Peter 5:7

Touchy Subject

Recently, I was talking with a long distance friend and a very touchy subject came up. She told me that her church has a very large population of homeschoolers. Apparently, these moms are vocal towards the families in their church who choose not to homeschool. My friend felt that she and others who have chosen public/private school are being condemned by these women as being lazy or not as spiritual because of their schooling choices. Yikes!! This makes me very sad and a bit angry.

I've thought about this quite a lot over the last couple weeks. Here is what my brain is processing:
In my opinion, the ONLY reason a family should choose homeschooling is out of obedience to God. I truly believe that if we seek God with all our heart and He tells us to homeschool, we should obey. However, I also believe that we can seek God with all our heart and He may tell us to put our kids in public/private school. In that case, we must also obey. Our choice should not be based on whim, approval, feelings, or fear. Our choice can not be based on our own strength. Our choice must be based on seeking the Lord, listening and obeying Him only.

And whatever our choice, I am certain that we should NOT be judging the choices and convictions of our friends and neighbors. "There is only one Lawgiver and Judge, the one who is able to save and destroy. But you - who are you to judge your neighbor?" James 4:12  I've been reading in the Bible and I can't find the passage that says, "Thou must homeschool." Or how about the one, "Thou must attend public school." Can you?

I'm not sure how else to describe it, but I think homeschooling is a calling. I think some people are called to be doctors, soldiers, teachers, missionaries, fathers, mothers, etc., etc. I don't think there is any superiority no matter what our calling. Anything God calls us to do is a high calling. I honestly don't understand why God may want some to homeschool and others not to, but I think He does.  We need to be confident in where He is leading us. Not prideful or boastful, but confident in what He is directing us to do. And I don't think we should be worrying about what He is calling others to do. He knows us inside and out and He knows what is best for us. In my case, I think He is calling me to homeschool for now in order to refine me. These last several years have definitely exposed more of my sins and reminded me of my need of Him.

Which brings me to a little tangent... It is not uncommon for someone to remark, "I could never do that" when I tell them that we homeschool. I'm usually speechless, but inside I'm thinking, "I can't either." You see, just because God has called me to homeschool this year doesn't mean that I'm some supernatural creature who is amazingly talented. I am definitely not. Yes, God has given me strengths but I also have great weaknesses. I may be organized, but I'm not very good at being patient. I may like learning, but that doesn't mean that I am an intellectual wizard. I may like what we do some days, but be terribly selfish others and wish I was alone on an island. I have a homeschooling friend who is as different from me as night and day. We have different strengths and different weaknesses and yet God has also called her to homeschool. With His strength she does it well. Anyway, my point is that the only reason we have mild success with homeschooling at our house is by God's grace and mercy. Not because I'm great---I'm a rotten sinner! I believe He will uniquely equip each of us for whatever He has called us to do.

One of the teachers of the law came and heard them debating. Noticing Jesus had given them a good answer, he asked him, "Of all the commandments, which is the most important?"

"The most important one," answered Jesus, "is this: 'Hear, O Israel, the Lord our God, the Lord is one. Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.' The second is this: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' There is no commandment greater than these."  Mark 12: 28-31

At the end of the day however we choose to school our children, we need to question our self, "Are we loving the Lord with all our heart, soul, mind and strength? Are we loving our neighbor as ourself?"